What’s the most critical part of a day at the pub? THAT’S RIGHT, OPERATIONAL RESTROOMS! Without a bathroom, there’s no drinking, eating, dancing (though some people dance when they REALLY have to pee), or merriment. Without a functional toilet, Liverpool might as well not even televise matches.

READ MORE: Hope For Next Season by John Carl Bolido
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Regardless of how you feel about my premise, that’s not why I’m banging on my keys today. It’s a much more worthy cause. You see, I have my priorities in order and have taken steps to make my life at the pub, as well as any place you watch our beloved Reds play, much more manageable.

The Bathroom Timing Equation

I have solved the ever-so-puzzling Bathroom-Timing Equation! So what’s the BTE (for short, of course)? It’s my hypothesis that there had to be a window of time in every match where you wouldn’t be punished for a weak bladder or colon.

Who’s Leaving? ASTV SHORTS

That’s right, I dug until I discovered the holy grail of football fandom. Nobody likes to miss the action and rely on the replays and the sounds of joy while the hand dryer in the bathroom blows. Therefore, I determined the precise windows of time in which no scoring occurred in Liverpool matches. The result was actual fact-based chronological moments where you can empty your innards and return without missing a thing.

The Dirty Details

How hard was this study? To be honest, it was ridiculously hard for a few reasons. First, I tried to do it a couple of years ago in person. So I was jotting down goal times on paper and also listing my bathroom visit times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break the seal and there’s no appeal. I get it. Once you start visiting the bathroom, it happens with annoying frequency. From that angle, this timing strategy is even more critical.

And the cherry on top of this statistical sundae is that my situation is even more precarious because I have Crohn’s Disease and a dramatically altered food/liquid processing system. To be blunt, I’ve had my tubes rerouted and resected to the point that I need to visit a bathroom roughly 14 times a day. Try that on for size the next time we see a match go into 12 minutes of extra time.

The Downstairs Data

Enough of the oversharing, this system works. And I have to thank the internet for its contribution. I compiled the stats from all Liverpool matches from this season excluding the final 4-4 salvo with Southampton.

From each match, I collected the time at which each goal was scored and then put all that info together into a spreadsheet. Then, like a true statistician, I looked at the data to conclusively find windows of time where a dash to the shitter would be acceptable.

PRIME RUN TIMES

Here’s how the times broke down – goal times are for BOTH sides.

@Fulham, Draw 2-2, goals at 32, 64, 72, 80
Crystal Palace, Draw 1-1, goals at 32, 61
@Man United, Loss 2-1, goals at 16, 53, 81
Bournemouth, Win 9-0, goals at 3, 6, 28, 31, 45, 46, 62, 80, 85
Newcastle, Win 2-1, goals at 38, 61, 98
@Everton, Draw 0-0
Brighton, Draw 3-3, goals at 4, 17, 33, 54, 63, 83
@Arsenal, Loss 3-2, goals at 1, 34, 45+5, 53, 76
Man City, Win 1-0, goal at 76
West Ham, Win 1-0, goal at 22
@Nottingham Forest, Loss 1-0, goal at 55
Leeds, Loss 2-1, goals at 4, 14, 89
@Tottenham, Win 2-1, goals at 11, 40, 70
Southampton, Win 3-1, goals at 6, 9, 21, 42
@Aston Villa, Win 3-1, goals at 5, 37, 59, 81
Leicester City, Win 2-1, goals at 4, 38, 45
@Brentford, Loss 3-1, goals at 19, 42, 50, 84
@Brighton, Loss 3-0, goals at 47, 53, 81
Chelsea, Draw 0-0
@Wolves, Loss 3-0, goals at 5, 12, 71
Everton, Win 2-0, goals at 36, 49
@Newcastle, Win 2-0, goals at 10, 17
@Crystal Palace, Draw 0-0
Wolves, Win 2-0, goals at 73, 77
Man United, Win 7-0, goals at 43, 47, 50, 66, 75, 83, 88
@Bournemouth, Loss 1-0, goal at 28
@Man City, Loss 4-1, goals at 17, 27, 46, 53, 74
@Chelsea, Draw 0-0
Arsenal, Draw 2-2, goals at 8, 28, 42, 87
@Leeds, Win 6-1, goals at 35, 39, 47, 52, 64, 73, 90
Nottingham Forest, Win 3-2, goals at 47, 51, 55, 67, 70
@West Ham, Win 2-1, goals at 12, 18, 67
Tottenham, Win 4-3, goals at 3, 5, 15, 40, 77, 93, 94
Fulham, Win 1-0, goal at 39
Brentford, Win 1-0, goal at 13
@Leicester, Win 3-0, goals at 33, 36, 71
Aston Villa, Draw 1-1, goals at 27, 89

The Bathroom Breakdown

From this information, I have determined that the top windows for a bathroom break are…practically any time during the match if you can let it rip in UNDER 60 seconds. After that, almost all bets are off. That is of course with the exception of the holy grail moments of bathroom beauty!

The best time to visit the water closet during a match in 2022-23 was the four-minute window between the 23rd and 26th minute. Not far behind was the period between the 56th and 58th minute where you could evacuate your bladder if there wasn’t a chance to do so during halftime. That should be enough if the pub has sound in the bathroom and enough television facings to see all the action as you are heading into the stall.

A Final Lesson

I’m hesitant to nominate myself for any sort of award for doing the work that had to be done. I hope this information makes next season more tolerable as we hopefully get back to the Champions League and find a way to get a cup or two in 2023-24.

Have a fantastic off-season! Send me story ideas and comments via the magazine- or find me on the socials @jeffcutler and @thejeffcutler respectively. For finality, here is the full spread of where every goal could have allowed you a bowel release this year!

Ugly Crying and Tissues American Scouser Podcast

We think there was a game this weekend as well but the main topic of course is Klopp's farewell
  1. Ugly Crying and Tissues
  2. Two Week Notice
  3. Having Fun Again
  4. The Turkish Rodeo
  5. Glimpse of Hope
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