Be Like IKEA
Top of the table.
Those four little words give Scousers a tingle on the back of their neck and a jump in their step when applied to Liverpool’s record. We’ve been there enough to recognize the charm of looking down on the 19 other sides.
It’s a great feeling. It’s dreamy, and it’s been reality as recently as last season.
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Yet, ‘top of the table’ evokes a less jubilant reaction across supporters when the tabletop is littered with baby blue, sky blue, claret, and the wrong red. I’m not even going to mention Chelsea.
If not a table, what could it be? As far as I know, there are no regulations about what you call the ranking system. Also, if you’ve been in an IKEA store ever, you know they didn’t even establish any rules for naming their products. So let’s follow IKEA’s example and rename our system.
Operating under the premise that few people have had the ambition to explore this topic, this could be the start of a monumental discussion affecting the very future of the beautiful game in Europe. Let’s jump in…
First, let’s be clear that the term we are looking for will have more impact than the word table in a variety of ways. The word we choose will not be boring, like a table.
Think IKEA. Maybe it would be more exciting if we called it SKOGSTA. That’s the IKEA $649 table in natural wood. They made a table. Then they made it interesting by renaming it SKOGSTA.
I’m keeping SKOGSTA in my back pocket as a last resort name. Let’s move on…
The word we choose will likely connote a set of levels, unlike a table. And similar to a table, it will actually have a top and bottom – and they will be separated by more than the width of a tablet top.
I don’t really understand ‘table’ at all. When has anything been ranked by being scattered around a tabletop? You put puzzles on tables. You have tea at a table. Who thought it was a good choice for a top 20 list?
We’re ranking teams based on performance. We want to use a furniture moniker. And it has to make sense. In fact, for the sake of clarity, let’s eliminate any furniture or sculpture, or object that can’t be used hierarchically.
That means dishes, ottomans, pianos, rugs, lamps, fireplaces, and buffets are out. I also think trash barrels are too on-the-nose for some teams (Wolves), but don’t apply elsewhere.
There could be an argument for using the bar to rank teams, but that’s been tried before, and surprisingly, the results were unclear.
Regardless, let’s abandon the word table as a sport’s ranking noun.
**I’m not completely daft. I do understand from a mathematics standpoint that tables are used for all sorts of ranking operations, but those tables are like Excel and Numbers, and graph paper. I simply thought people were talking about furniture when I heard my first report on the EPL standings. If you abhor humor or the furniture industry, feel free to click over to another of my columns or something fantastic by another AmericanScouser.com writer. If you choose to stay here for the ride, I applaud and thank you.
What’s left? Come with me on a furniture/accessory jaunt as we decide what to rename the TABLE.
How about the EPL Bathtub? There’s no obvious high point to a ranking system based on a tub. But think about how much glee English commentators would get when discussing relegation-ready teams and the loo!
“…and Wolves are looking up at Sunderland as the bubbles run out of their seat on the drain of the EPL clawfoot tub.”
OK, it might not be that easy.
Understandably, I’m irked that Liverpool is big points below the leaders. It’s a crummy place to be. Being new here, I didn’t experience LFC’s tougher times, but I think I have a case for being angry about our current stumble down the ladder.
Hey, how about ladder? It’s not a true piece of furniture, but it definitely has a structure that speaks hierarchy. It’s almost too obvious – ladders allow you to get higher, ergo, hierarchy. Maybe we could work with that.
Still, stumbling we were, and the image doesn’t work. Can you stumble up or down a ladder? On the literal upside, ladders have multiple levels; it’s not a stretch like a table.
But is a ladder symbolic enough to rate the entire league? For Scousers, the image of a working-class tool – the ladder – makes perfect sense. For other clubs, I’m not convinced.
League-wide, it could be difficult to visually separate teams into different rungs, especially if there’s congestion at the top. I’m also worried that a top-heavy ladder could crash to the ground mid-season, not the kind of stability Barclays desires.
Well, if not a ladder, what else could work?
Bookshelf? It’s furniture. It’s got different levels. Lots of people – (not Everton fans) – have actually used IKEA bookcases. It doesn’t appear difficult to organize. Each level has room for more than one side – unlike the dangerous ladder.
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It could be a graphic, like the spines of the manuscripts would have the team names on them. Look at that, a new ranking icon/image and a stellar way to get Rebecca to mention me on air.
I digress. Let’s make sure we have some more options if the bookcase doesn’t resonate with the league.
The kitchen has furniture too, but do we want to rank soccer teams using appliances? Maybe we reference blenders when we’re talking about trade talks among multiple players and teams.
Oooh, maybe we say “garbage disposal” when asked where to put Tottenham tickets. It could be fun for everyone.
Other options include: cabinet (too enclosed, I think); hat stand (similar image as ladder, but just a post); island (interesting, but it’s really just a table with a different name); and waterbed (which I still have no idea how to use as a ranking system term for EPL standings).
It seems I’m not going to solve this today. Or maybe even this season. I just hope that in the new year, rational minds will work collaboratively to come up with a new name.
Ultimately, I’d care a whole lot less about what the EPL calls its ranking system AND what IKEA calls its furniture if a certain team with a Liverbird on its kit would inch a bit closer to the top of whatever we call it.
#YNWA