The Alternative Season Preview
With the new season upon us, you will see lots of preview articles that will talk about who will be our best or worst players and where we might finish in the table. Some people might debate whether Alisson or Origi will score more goals in the coming term. The people writing those all sound pretty boring to me and they probably even liked the season finale of Loki! We’ve seen it all before so here are my top ten alternative predictions for the coming season.
Naby Keita will be named player of the month for August after finally putting in a month of healthy performances only to dislocate his shoulder whilst posing with the trophy.
FSG will show their humanitarian side when deciding not to fine one of the groundsmen for being late on the day his parents were killed in a sheep shearing accident proving that they aren’t all about the bottom line after all.
Mo Salah and Sadio Mane will both smile in the same match for the first time since 2019 while watching Joel Matip awkwardly remonstrate with the officials over the awarding of a foul against him.
Jurgen Klopp will be forced to forfeit an away FA Cup tie against Everton on the advice that youth players should steer clear of Goodison Park.
Konstantinos Tsimikas will get an extended run of games when Andy Robertson overlaps on the wing and forgets to stop running for several weeks.
Harvey Elliott’s hair will become self-aware.
Thiago will appear on the genealogy-related tv show Who Do You Think You Are and discover that his great-great-grandfather was the model for Edward Munch’s The Scream as it’s also revealed that the look on the painting’s subject’s face was meant to be one of shock at being called up for a foul.
Virgil van Dijk will be forced to file a restraining order against Troy Deeney after finding him peering through his garden window.
Ben Davies will win first place in the Liverpool hide and seek championship and follow that up with a second-place finish in the Ben Davies look-alike contest behind Ben Woodburn.
Liverpool will face a points deduction when it is revealed that they have played a full match with twelve players after someone notices the at Takumi Minamino had been on the pitch unnoticed all along until Jordan Henderson forced him to celebrate a last-minute winner with the rest of the squad.
There you have it, that’s my list. I’m fairly certain that the majority of these things will happen after being given some inside info on a stadium tour so if you get the opportunity to you might visit your local oddsmaker for a wager.