Ribbon Candy

I loathe ribbon candy.

If you’re not familiar, ribbon candy is just that. It’s candy that looks like a decorative ribbon. This candy is sweet. I used to think it was just hard candy pressed into ribbons. That’s not the case. It’s a horrible wave of candy that is structurally enigmatic. You could put a house on one side and it would stay up. But roll the candy on its side and it has the same integrity as a team called Manchester City – less than none.

READ MORE: Tangential Pencil by Jeff Cutler
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An Introduction

So this candy is delicate stuff.

According to Mr. G. Oogle, “Ribbon candy is a traditional Christmas candy that goes back for centuries in Europe. Confectioners developed the candy as a Christmas decoration for their shops, modeling the wavy form around the candy maker’s thumb.”

In my life, I’ve found ribbon candy on display in funeral parlors, nursing homes, retirement communities, and unfortunately inside my genetic material.

OK, DNA/RNA, etc. I’m not saying I’m actually made of candy. Although I do have a very tasteful and pleasant disposition. I’m saying I’ve got ribbon candy in my body and sadly it has taken the place of my bones.

What?!

Yes. The full story is below, but in a recent athletic match, a few of my bones shattered like ribbon candy under a bowling ball.

A Bit Of Backstory

But how did we get here, talking about candy nobody wants and collarbones that shatter under the force of a 15-year-old footballer’s shoulder? Oh, that’s right, this happened right after my last American Scouser deadline. So this really is news!

Location: An excellent, multi-use turf field in the Northeastern United States
Event: Pickup soccer with 15 or 17 other players, men and women, adults and teens
Situation: Eight-on-eight, pick-up with me at right back. On my third touch of the game, I got the ball
of an attacking teen, knocking it about nine yards away and creating a dash for the ball from both of us
Climax: I was ahead of the 15-year-old Virgil van Dijk clone when I felt a shove to my shoulder and I went airborne
Outcome: From the tidbits I can piece together by looking at my bruises and x-rays, I went over
the ball in the air and landed on my forearm…the pressure snapped my collarbone in three pieces…then without any arm function, the rest of my dainty body crashed onto the turf, coming to rest in a heap
Current Status: Three weeks and two days ago was the accident. I am able to walk around without a sling; eat using both hands; raise my arm to almost 90°; and sleep mostly pain-free. The bones SHOULD HAVE knit together and I have an X-ray tomorrow to make sure.

But being laid up and hurt hasn’t stopped my mind from racing. If I can’t run around the pitch, I’ll run stuff around in my head. Like a set of solutions to improve the game of football in the EPL. I’m off the pain meds, so none of this should sound crazy.

1 For 1 Injury Time

This should be inserted into the rules of American NFL football during plays that result in a concussion. And I think it could work as well in European football. If player A is the cause of an injury to player B; BOTH players should be removed from the field for the same amount of time. Knock of heads, both players go off for the same amount of time. Player B’s Achilles gets studded by Player A, BOTH players sit on the side until B is patched up. NO MORE on-field treatment. Move to the sideline unless you need a stretcher. UNLESS it’s a dive.

Diving Time

If a player goes down in a dive (confirmed by ref/VAR/whatever), the diving player is sent off the pitch for a period of time. It’s open to interpretation, but an effective deterrent has to be strong enough to keep people from diving. I say five minutes. A lot can happen in that time and it will make players think twice and it will make gaffers enforce fair play.

Toe The Line

Throw-ins are a joke. Maybe they’re supposed to be. In pickup soccer, we don’t even acknowledge the sidelines because we respect throw-ins so little. But they’re a part of the game. So, enforce the rules regarding throw-ins as precisely as you rule free kicks and PKs. Don’t let players move from where the ball went out. Be precise. Pick a spot and make the player keep a foot there. Traveling up and down the sideline is ridiculous and gives some teams a huge advantage. Maybe a Norwich side won’t see a huge advantage by snatching five extra yards on a throw-in, but other teams could benefit.

Here Are The Rules (I Bolded The Important Stuff)

“The official Laws of the Game outline in detail how a soccer throw-in must be taken. Here are
the main things a player must remember when taking a throw-in:

-Throw-ins must be taken from the spot where the ball leaves the field of play
-Players must face the field of play when taking the throw-in, standing with their feet on or behind the touchline
-The ball must be thrown from both hands, and both hands must be behind and over the head when the ball is released
-All opponents need to be at least two meters from the point where the throw is taken
-The ball is in play from the moment it enters the field, but if the ball touches the ground going onto the field, the team is allowed to retake the throw from the same position
-Once a throw-in is taken, it must touch another player first before the taker is allowed to touch it again
-If any of these rules are broken, the referee will call a foul throw, and the throw-in will be awarded to the opposing team to be taken from the same position”

I don’t know how much EPL you watched in 23-24, but I saw 70+ matches and more of the lower leagues (yeah, ESPN+ has a lien on my house). In all those matches, I can count on one hand the number of times the throw-in didn’t break one of the LAWS above. Most of the time it’s a step over onto the grass or a journey down the sideline. And all the time it should be retaken or given to the other team.

Points Deduction

And the last, and what could be ironically the most bitter part of this ribbon-candy column, is that we might finally see some movement on the 115 infractions of FFP.

I talked to a guy who talked to a palm reader who talked to a psychic who talked to Everton and everyone at Nottingham Forest who talked to Ivan Toney who put all his money on the EPL doing NOTHING.

Time will tell, but we’re going to have to win the league the old-fashioned way, by actually scoring more goals and winning more games than anyone else.

And we can, because when we’re on, the winning is definitely sweeter than Ribbon Candy. Let’s do this. The ’24-’25 season is mere days away.

#YNWA