After seeing the way we’ve been treated this year, and practically every year I’ve been a Red, I’ve decided to hand out some cards in real life.

The sending off of Virgil was the last straw. This is especially so because had to watch the REPLAY and missed it in real time. And there’s our first of many cards.

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YELLOW CARDS

A YELLOW card for players who ask for a card. Yes, I know that’s finally happening. Now it needs more teeth.

ASTV Shorts: Independent VAR? Nah!

A YELLOW card for trolls on Liverpool sites and Facebook pages. It’s only a yellow because trolls keep up honest. Would the Man United 7-0 victory have been as sweet without the Manure trolls? Would the 10-man comeback against Newcastle be as delightful without Geordie bridge dwellers? We need the plastics and the trolls to push us to excellence and every once in a while test our resolve. Easy yellow.

YELLOWS WITH REDS LOOMING

A YELLOW card for anyone playing pickup soccer in a heather grey jersey or one that has medium dark stripes on a white background. What you don’t understand is that the mind works slower if it has to decide what your “grey” is. This makes passing decisions slower and breaks up the pace of play. If you don’t have a black or white shirt, get a plain dark color until you can procure a white shirt. Until then, you are in a precarious situation with a red at the ready.

A YELLOW to the folks making soccer equipment. Sure, I want to play with a good ball and don’t want to pay $129 for it. When Epic Sports runs their closeout sales on Brilliant Supers, those are still a hefty $50 each. Why can’t we get some “amateur” pricing? We’re not using them for organized programs and those of us playing pickup would like to actually use a quality football.

SECOND YELLOW, YOU’RE SEEING RED

A RED card is out for those who don’t know what they are having for breakfast at the pub. The first yellow came out when you didn’t determine your beer, breakfast, and snack waiting in line outside the establishment. Once the match is underway, any obstruction is horrible. You forcing the server to stand and block multiple screens while you comb through the menu is enough for that red card. Don’t ruin the day for others. Know your order and member number when the server arrives.

STRAIGHT RED CARDS

A RED card to all spouses and partners who have not yet consolidated the EPL schedule so it is reflected in the household calendar. It was a clear and obvious error for my wife to ALLEGEDLY schedule a visit with other couples yesterday. And I had to watch the replay just so I could fully experience Nunez’s two goals. Sorry if you’re still away with your partner at some contrived event that keeps you away from the Reds.

A RED card for simulation. That’s the only way we’re going to get it out of the game. Oh, this means it actually has to be called by refs. So there’s your first step. How about we use VAR to actually determine if someone is acting and if contact was actually made?

A RED for VAR. Don’t check it. Just do it. This is CLEAR and OBVIOUS. VAR has yet to become an efficient process with the necessary accuracy from the software/hardware we were promised. Either scrap the gimmick or scrap the refs deploying it. And do the fixing in the off-season. Don’t tinker all season long so that early matches are treated differently from later ones. Gah!

And while I don’t want to overload the red cards, I’m going to end on a DOUBLE RED!

Spain and Saudi Arabia. Perfectly nice people whose sports organizations have recently become a blight on professional sports. A red for each of you!

See you next column when I’ll be less judgmental. (That’s sarcasm, I’ll be judgy again.)

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