Rich Text: FSG’s Next Money Making Scheme Revealed

Following the birth and subsequent demise of the  European Super League Liverpool Football Club’s owners Fenway Sports Group have wasted no time in developing their newest money making scheme. Details of their plan have been leaked and the team here at American Scouser has gotten their hands on them. FSG, owing to the same principles that led them to attempt break away with the ESL,  aims to capitalize on the tremendous amounts of money available by making LFC even more of a  global brand.  Consistent with the current strategy of maximizing broadcast revenue through the use of online streaming service, the ESL will soon announce a partnership with NBCUniversal to create a brand new streaming service. 

The new service, Peacock Intelligent Streaming Service Utilization Program (PISSUP), will use multiple metrics tracked by the app through social media logging to determine different price points for different levels of supporter. PISSUP will use an algorithm to determine which supporters are more or less likely to stick by the club and increase or decrease the price charged to each customer per half of each game. Says FSG’s John Henry, “Our market research indicates that real supporters are easier to fleece of their hard earned dollars than casual fans as evidenced by the astounding rate at which they’ve  purchased some truly hideous Nike kits this season.”  

Henry says the metrics obtained through social media dialogues will include such things as how many kits a supporter says they own, when they first became a supporter, whether they are from Liverpool, whether they’ve been to Anfield, if they really understand the meaning of YNWA, or even if they’ve got a Liverbird tattoo or a podcast. This initiative represents the next generation of marketing in football and will allow LFC to ensure that they’ve pushed every supporter to the very threshold of their football related spending. Each Exploitation and Greed Optimization (EGO) point that a supporter earns through social media tracking will increase the cost per half by $.50, ensuring that the supporters who love the club the most pay more for the privilege of watching them while casual fans can be enticed to purchase games at a less prohibitive rate in the hopes of getting them hooked. 

Mr. Henry directed questions about a probable less than enthusiast public reception to his new Director of Community Relations and Charitable Facades, Montgomery Burns. “ Look, we all know that everyone wants to prove they are a better supporter than everyone else by earning EGO points with each social media interaction. We can’t just continue to roll our eyes at these comments when there is money there to be made.”, said Burns. He went on to say “We’ve seen all the complaints on social media about how hard it was to know which service each match is on. We recognized that was a problem and decided to do our supporters a great favor by adding a new streaming service where they knew they could always find our games each week and it’s all a PISSUP.”