It’s not that difficult. You come out of your troll cave in Stockley Park when summoned. The Head ref didn’t ask for it. The assistant ref didn’t ask for it. Just keep playing with your laser pen and drinking diet sodas until your help is bloody requested. Especially since “clear and obvious” means fuck all now. Ffs.

RATINGS

Alisson – 7
Didn’t have much to do accept wave at a couple of pens.

Neco – 5
I feel for him. It’s a big ask and he’s a kid and we’ve got loads of supporters giving ‘em shit. Clearly he has a ways to go. The foul for the first pen conceded was a really poor decision, on his part.   

Nat – 8
Thought he was reeeally good. Has that Carra thing where he looks like he’s going to fall over himself but then puts in a perfectly timed challenge. Saw him pressing their keeper at one point and haven’t been so confused since that once time we subbed in Steven Caulker up top.

Fabinho – 7
Played some really sound stuff. Especially a couple early balls over the top to Mo. Massively needed in the back. Massively missed in the mids.

Robertson – 7
Solid defensively. Bright going forward. Laser into Mane for the chalked off assist. Fecked in the dying embers. Never a pen. 

Gini – 7
Thought he was especially good second half. May be the only man standing at the end of the season. Increasing value on durability, no?

Milner – 6
So apparently 3 games in a week is too much football. There’s the line. You broke Milner, you bastards.

Minamino – 6
Did well with time and space on the ball. He’s at his best going forward in dangerous areas on the pitch and his starting position was just pushed too far back.

Jota- 7
9 in 14. That’s a decent return on investment.

Firmino – 7
If they’d have stopped fecking about on the etch-a-sketch in Stockley Park, you’d have witnessed one of the best assists ever to grace the EPL. His positioning and subsequent run through, make the Jota goal possible. #thingsthatdontshowonstatsheets

Salah – 7
Clinical finish chalked off by a bunch dickheads that can shoot a game in 4k but use a Nokia 3310 to show off-sides. Lovely one timer into Jota for the first. Subbed. And salty about it. 

SUBSTITUTES

Henderson – 8 (46’)
A difference maker. Everything clicks when he’s there running the show.

Mane – 6 (64’)
Brought the pace and the energy. And the off-sides goal from a set piece. Balls.

CuJo – 6 (74’)
Oh cripes, will someone draw an ‘X’ on the whiteboard and show Curtis where right back is…