The Uncanny Red Men by Jordan Gerrard

I know to many of us die hard Liverpool fans, our beloved players feel like true super heroes. They have incredible super human like abilities, they fight for the greater good (Liverpool victories), and they have accomplished miracles that many didn’t believed they could (Barca 4-0). But what if the Liverpool squad were actual Super Heroes? You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Wow this guy is a huge nerd!” For the record I am a nerd, I’m a Liver-Nerd! I had some fun coming up with my own Liverpool super hero spoofs comparing them to their comic book equals, I hope you enjoy.

First off we have Super Mane. Sadio Mane plays like he is from out of this world. It turns out he was born on another planet. Blessed with the ability of super speed, Mane can fly down the wing quicker then any man. Raised as an orphan by Earth parents in Senegal, Sadio soon learned he was not your typical Mane but a Super Mane!

Salah! is based on D.C. Comics character Shazam! As you may know Shazam is gifted with the powers of the Greek Gods. Well Salah! Is a bit different. Salah has the powers of the Egyptian Gods! Calling upon the strength of deities like Amun Ra, Anubis, Horus and Osiris, Salah! Is truly an amazing super hero bringing the power of Hope to Anfield.

Bobby Dazzler aka Roberto Firmino. Bobby actually has two distinct super human abilities. His first is like Dare Devil from Marvel comics, Firmino has pinpoint accuracy and vision with his eyes closed. Bobby also has teeth so strong and shiny they can reflex lasers at his opponents when he smiles.

When the world needs defending, Virgil Van Dijk becomes The Virg. Formally known as the man mountain, The Virg is able to create an invisible wall impenetrable by all attackers. Virgil also possess incredible strength.

While working in his lab late one night, Dr. James Milner discovered a new formula of Ribena. This new concoction gave whoever drank the liquid Incredible Anti Aging abilities. Unfortunately James drank too much which turned him into a Benjamin Button type situation. Like a fine wine James only gets better as time goes on.

Trent “Arrow” Alexander Arnold, the rookie of the Red Men, is a lot like Hawk-eye from the avengers. He has the ability to pick out a long range pass or free kick at 100% accuracy. He can also take corners so quickly it makes Lionel Messi cry. Even without his powers he is ten times better then Aaron Wan-Bissaka!

Lovren Man, Lovren Man! Does whatever a Lovren can. Watch out! Here comes that Lovren Man!” No powers here just thought this sounded funny.

The leader of the group would have to be Professor Klopp. Jurgen can get inside the minds of his opponents helping to strategize the perfect tactics to win every game. Jurgen also has the ability to motivate. One team talk from Professor K can turn a Hull City LB into Andy f***** Robertson!

Of course Super Heroes need Villains or there would be no need for the heroes. I present to you Pep Luther. Has anyone really ever noticed the similarities between Lex Luther and Pep Guardiola? The resemblance is eerie. Both men are bald, they have access to large amounts of money, and they both have evil plans. Don’t get me started on Mad Man Mourinho and his Bus of Doom.

There you have it. The Red Men. Coming to a TV screen near you, June 20th? It’s fun to joke around about heroes and super powers, but right now with the pandemic going on we have the chance to appreciate some real heroes. The medical workers around the world risking health and hazard to fight Covid19 and many other issues are the true heroes. I would just like to end this article by saying a special thank you to all our essential heroes everywhere. Thank you for your heroics and god speed on kicking this Covid in the crotch. I’m Jordan Gerrard, like always I thank you for reading.


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