What to do With Dan?
I know why Liverpool have been playing so poorly recently, and I betcha you don’t.
It’s entirely my fault.
“How so, Barak?”
Let me tell you.
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A couple of months ago, following a not-insignificant campaign over a not-insignificant period by yours truly, my friend Dan decided he was going to watch some Liverpool games with me and – such is the hope – become a lifelong fan. Because we all know that it’s the team you get introduced to by a true fan at the right moment that wins your heart forever.
Usually, it’s your dad when you’re a kid. However, Americans are only now discovering the joys of soccer and the Premier League. It’s just how it works. Still, it has to be done right. The story you tell cannot clash with reality too badly. If you do that, the bubble bursts too early and is lost forever. Anyway, Dan went and got signed up for the necessary streaming services, paying a decent chunk of cold, hard cash for the pleasure of watching the – as I repeatedly assured him – greatest team in world football.
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The drop in form started immediately.
I have been tracking this closely. Whenever Dan watches the Reds, they look like a team that doesn’t even belong in the Premier League, let alone about to win the goddamn title.
“But Barak,” I hear you say. “What about, say, Everton? We just played them and it was a hard-won victory and we looked OK…maybe a bit tired but not, like, bad bad.” Well, my friends, surely you know the answer even without me having to tell you. Dan didn’t watch the Everton game.
He also couldn’t watch the one against the Saints. He did, however, see us lose to Newcastle, to PSG, and to Fulham today. Dan even had the pleasure of watching us lose to Plymouth, which set my campaign back a few weeks, but can you blame me for picking that game first? On the face of it, it seemed like a pretty safe bet.
So Dan got up early today and we got on the horn, the TV was Peacocking, and the first 15 minutes seemed sort of alright. For some reason Fulham didn’t get a penalty, Macca scored a lovely hit from outside the box, and I confidently told Dan “Just watch, now we’re gonna hammer them. Gonna be three or four more goals.”
The poor fella even believed me.
Indeed, three more goals were scored in the first half. In a sense, the Reds should be credited with team assists for each one, because of shambolic – a word reserved especially for this epic kind of miserable defensive display – performance by everyone not named Mac Allister.
Here is the problem. Dan has been very patient with the team and me so far, but we’re several games into the fan zone, and he has yet to observe Liverpool play a good game. What am I supposed to tell him? That it’s his presence, scientifically based on all available evidence, that is the cause? Every available measurement leads to this inevitable conclusion.
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Even Luis Diaz, the chief reason we beat Everton midweek, couldn’t overcome Dan, uhh, fix it himself. He tried, the energy he brought certainly helped, and he got himself on the score sheet in the process, but for heaven’s sake, we were playing a 2-3-5 lineup at some point there – that’s two in the back, in case you were wondering what’s so special about that. We still couldn’t score. Harvey got closest when his effort cannoned off the crossbar, but the obvious paranormal activity ensured that the ball would be a couple of inches off.
Certainly, Craven Cottage isn’t especially welcoming under Marco Silva, but Liverpool doesn’t normally lose to Fulham. Not without the jinx. Not without Dan.
Also, if I may…where…the hell…is Mo?!
Thankfully Arsenal doesn’t look especially good either, and the hourglass is running out of sand for them to change what looks like the inevitable outcome, even if Liverpool is phoning it in. Still, the question I must ask myself on behalf of all of us is this:
What to do with Dan?