Holiday Wishes
The festive season approaches, and with it comes the endless barrage of holiday treasures that seemingly never get old. We all have our favorites. Classic songs like Frank Sinatra’s “White Christmas” or the Pogues’ version of “Fairytale of New York” dominate the radio stations. Likewise for movies and video clips. If we were in the pub right now, we could literally close the place down over pints discussing our favorite holiday movies, making convincing arguments on why Denis Leary’s The Ref is the best Christmas movie of all-time. That’s an argument for another day.
Personally, I love a great Saturday Night Live skit. The holidays bring out some of the best. One of the best I have ever seen is Steve Martin’s “A Holiday Wish,” originally aired in December of 1986. If you’ve never seen that masterpiece, it’s well worth the Google and 162 seconds of your day. Picture a somewhat youthful Steve Martin, sitting on a comfy chair next to a Christmas tree, telling the world what he would wish for this holiday season. It’s comedy genius and worth checking out if you have a few minutes. Watching that clip recently got me thinking about what a typical Liverpool supporter would truly want to get this year. I decided to have a little fun with it, trying to pull off my own version attempting to copy one of the greatest comedic actors of all-time.
Side note: the rest of this article is much better if you find the time to watch both the original Steve Martin skit followed by my amateurish version.
Personally, I love a great Saturday Night Live skit. The holidays bring out some of the best. One of the best I have ever seen is Steve Martin’s “A Holiday Wish,” originally aired in December of 1986. If you’ve never seen that masterpiece, it’s well worth the Google and 162 seconds of your day. Picture a somewhat youthful Steve Martin, sitting on a comfy chair next to a Christmas tree, telling the world what he would wish for this holiday season. It’s comedy genius and worth checking out if you have a few minutes. Watching that clip recently got me thinking about what a typical Liverpool supporter would truly want to get this year. I decided to have a little fun with it, trying to pull off my own version attempting to copy one of the greatest comedic actors of all-time.
Side note: the rest of this article is much better if you find the time to watch both the original Steve Martin skit followed by my amateurish version.
Barring a Covid-induced hiatus, the upcoming weeks should be full of Premier League football, a League Cup quarterfinal, and the opening of a new transfer window. With so much to ask Santa to bring, how can one limit the list? As you eventual discover, both Steve Martin and I only really are asking for five things. Are they realistic? Below for a more realistic update on my holiday wish list.
The first wish on my list is for Liverpool supporters around the world to join hands in the Kop and sing together about how we’ve conquered all of Europe, and we’re never gonna stop. This is obviously a metaphor for how all LFC supporters treat other, specifically on social media. The transfer window will be opening soon, and history shows that is when the most vile and vicious interactions occur. People all want the club to achieve success, but they have differing opinions on how to get it. Instead of engaging in needless debate on the keyboard, try to respect the contrarian and remember that on match day we should be singing in unison. I’d gladly accept the gift of civility amongst each other on social media platforms.
The second wish is for box seats at Anfield for all events. Steve Martin wanted $30-million, tax-free, deposited into a Swiss bank account. I mean, if you’re going to ask for materialistic items, you might as well ask for it all! I would honestly be satisfied with just tickets to see Liverpool play once at Anfield this season. My first match at Anfield was in February 2014, when we dismantled Arsenal 5-1 with four goals in the first twenty minutes. I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited at least once every season until the pandemic hit. During my last visit we had just defeated Manchester United 3-1 with two late Shaqiri goals that ultimately would see Jose Mourinho get the sack. Special moments just happen so often at Anfield, I am lucky to have seen a few. I had flights booked to England and a Kop ticket ready for me when Aston Villa was supposed to come to Anfield in April 2020. It crushed me when they postponed the season, forcing me to cancel that trip. Now I’m afraid to pull the trigger. Just as we thought things were getting better, this Omicron variant had to flip the proverbial finger right in our face. A good friend had to give up his ticket last week (ironically enough against Aston Villa) because he couldn’t guarantee a Covid test result would come back soon enough for him to break quarantine and get to the ground. I’m done with this crap already. We all are. So, I guess my second holiday wish would be for this pandemic to end so that I can have the confidence to book overseas travel again. I’m guessing that this is a popular item that Santa has seen on numerous lists already.
The third wish is for all-encompassing power over footballing decisions. Clearly made in jest to get a few laughs, I specifically reference VAR decisions and the ability to get Cristiano Ronaldo sent off at any given moment for whatever reason I choose. I guess I am really wishing for a more consistent product on the pitch from the referees. I read some rhetoric online defending the referees and how they are only applying the rules of the game as instructed. That doesn’t appear to be good enough for me, because I can witness what appears to be the same incident in two different matches. One might be a red card, and the other not even a foul. It’s maddening at times. If nothing else, the referees ought to be held to some form of accountability to explain some of their questionable decisions. Sadly enough, this might be the most unrealistic wish that I am asking for!! I guess my real holiday wish here is for refereeing consistency. I think I have a better chance of meeting God at the deli then getting that wish. At least in England.
The fourth wish on my list is for that month-long orgasm, and honestly who wouldn’t want that??? In my clip I explicitly call out for highlights of Mo Salah goals. He’s given us some great ones this season, no question about it. Long may that continue! It would be nice to see him add to the spectacular. I don’t believe it would be too far-fetched to see the finalists for the Premier League Goal of the Year to be a compilation of Salah highlights this season. Please make it happen, Santa. As for signing that French kid name Kylian something-or-other, well I think I have a better chance of God paying for my Reuben at that deli I eventually meet him at.
The last wish, which for me is an eternal wish not limited to the holidays, is revenge against my enemies. OK, so I truly don’t want Man United and their fans to die like pigs in hell. But I do want them to continue to suffer the misery of being inferior to us, having to stomach lopsided defeats at Old Trafford. Let them get excited about the prospects of finishing in the top four while we fight for that 20th and 21st league trophy getting back on our perch. I also would love to see how Chelsea and City supporters would react when suddenly their club can’t overspend on talent. Let’s see if they can learn to be fiscally responsible again. And of course, there’s Everton. I’m probably in the minority, but I’d love to see them get relegated the same year Tranmere Rovers get promoted into the same division. Instead of talking a walk across Stanley Park, let those Evertonians take a “ferry ‘cross the Mersey” to Prenton Park. I guess the moral of this wish is that schadenfreude does exist, and I need it in my life. As Randal the video store attendant in the movie Clerks points out, “there’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcoming of others.” Truer words have never been spoken.
In conclusion, I am not asking for much. I hope that this could bring you some joy this holiday season, especially as we head to what might end up becoming darker days of the pandemic. There is much that we can wish for, but really this is a time for giving. Let’s give the lads our full support throughout this festive period and beyond. I want to wish everyone out there a very happy holiday season. Be safe, healthy, and kind to each other. And never forget… “We’ve conquered all of Europe! We’re never gonna stop!”
See you at the pub! Up the Reds!
YNWA,
Ken Kendra